yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
