And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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