You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
