Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My cat gives me a boner
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
