I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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