I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My breasts were aching with rage.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize