got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
