i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
