Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
