I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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