census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
