I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just pee around me
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
