Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
