I wish my penis had an off switch
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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