I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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