I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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