The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
