This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
