i need an iv and a liver transplant
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
