just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
