I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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