he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
