I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
