There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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