Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize