it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
