hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
