kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
