I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
