I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
