He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
