totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
