What tipped you off? The sombrero?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
