I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
