How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
