life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
