I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
