my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
