You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What drink are we having for lunch?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
