I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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