I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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