i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
