She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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