Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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