my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
