No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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