Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
