we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
