mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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