why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
