does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
