His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
