She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
