well you can't waste a boner
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
