My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
