Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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