I think my vagina is haunted
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
