I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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