im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
